broken...

#Honestly I need to be broken,
Honestly I need to fall down
Go ahead and shake my foundations, 'cause honestly I'm figurin' out,
Out of al that I have, all that I need is You
Honestly
'Honestly' Carl Cartee, Anadara Arnold, and Elias Dummer

I remember when I first heard this song, it was on a CD of my brother's (Elias Drummer is a friend) and I remember liking it the first time I heard it...and I really liked it but over the past few weeks its come to have a whole new level of meaning.

Have you ever been broken by God? I mean really
broken...basically utterly wrecked and far from being a thing that God could prevent because it hurts-He is the one bringing it into your life in order that you can have a deeper relationship with Him. It's a brokenness that wrecks you of anything that is in this world, anything that we hold onto tightly, anything that we can build our identification and security on other than Jesus. In my life, right now, I believe I am in a season of brokenness. I think it happens in different ways for different people-for some there is a build up and then a few days where its like BANG and they are broken like breaking a window-One moment...but for me, its not like that -because thats the grace of God, our brokenness is tailored to us. God says in 1 corthians that he will never take us beyond what we can endure so in our brokenness, he doesn't break us so we can't be repaired.He breaks us in order to rebuild in His image. My breaking has been abit more like lego tower-over time, piece by piece He has been breaking things off me and in me and every so often its like He breaks the final pieces off the where they are stuck, the foundation I had built them on. When Paul writes that it is not longer I who live but Christ lives in me (Gal 2:20) Paul says I have been crucified with Christ...no I don't know what you know about crucifixion or if you have seen 'Passion of the Christ' but I think when someone is crucified they are indeed broken.
But Christ has died so we don't have to right?Physically speaking, yes, but I have a choice in dying daily and for a lot of my christian life I have said it but not lived it out and we build our foundation on so many other things other than Christ.
Jesus never promised that it would be comfortable. The parable of the wise and foolish man building their houses is a sunday school favourite but it isn't any less true, our lives need to be built on the foundation of Christ - that he is the core of everything. I remember when my Dad was basically rebuilding our house and the foundation that had to be laid were HUGE and others that had to be broken-it took a lot of work to back them down and lay new ones and this is what it is like with our lives...we need to kill/destroy the old ones and have Jesus lay down new ones of Him and His live and kingdom. Coming to the point of brokenness is like standing on the edge of the cliff-God will always give you a choice-you can step off the cliff and embrace the brokenness or you can step back and stay in comfort but not moving forward with Christ.But be warned...
The breaking is PAINFUL. For me it has meant confession of my darkest secrets not only to some of my closest friends but also those who I respect the most in Christ. It has meant admitting to myself who I really am. It has meant a lot of tears and a lot of shouting and screaming. But it doesn't happen until you are ready for it - because of God's grace. My beautiful friend/sister in Christ Rosie explained it this way, its like a spot-you can't squeeze it until its ready to be squeezed otherwise it becomes more painful!(wise girl) For months I've been seeing more and more nothing works without Christ, any system that I have built or tried to build for myself...whether its about how I feel about things or how I cope with things-without Christ its all rubbish...nothing works. I have had to be wreaked of everything else and ask Christ to break it.
I don't believe its over either, I believe I'm still in the middle. There's still more healing, more tears, more screaming, more ministry that needs to occur but I know God will bring me through, an utterly rebuilt broken vessel that can shine for Him as more of Him can be seen brighter than before.That'swhy I need to be broken..."'cause out of all that I have, All that I need is You, honestly."

No challenge today...this is my journey...so here's my prayer for you, May you see Christ's beauty shine through your brokenness and may God by his grace lead you to a place where you know stepping off the cliff to brokenness is the only best move possible.

The me that He died for...

(I WILL get back to the Beatitudes soon...promise)

So this morning I came to Bible time/quiet time/God time - whatever name you give it, feeling low...it seems that over the past few days I've had, what seems, a heighten awareness of my sinfulness.This, I do understand, can be seen as a glorious blessing-when God reveals things in order that He can mould us into His likeness, but currently in my mind, it makes me sad to see how far I still have to go-how far I am from being like my Saviour...
But as I read my Bible this morning I was reminded of a verse that I have read a thousand times before:

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

And it hit me like a lightening bolt...Whilst I look at my life at the moment and can be upset and wonder how can God love me the way I am? will He complete what He started? Is He going to leave me this way because I've stuffed up too many times? This verse tells me something amazing...Jesus didn't die for me the way that I am now, this lass that by His Holy Spirit is being transformed more and more into Christ's likeness, Jesus died for me when I was in my very worst state that I could be in - whilst I was STILL a sinner, with all my worst traits present and still a slave to sin (Romans 6, John 8:34). The implication of the word sinner in this verse isn't someone, like me, who has been saved but still sins, no - the indication is that it is us whist we still had their back turned towards God (or anyone who has their backs still turned towards God) - whilst we were in the very worst state we could be in...Christ died for us THEN, when we were at our, when I was at my very worst. THAT'S how much He loves us.
I then remembered another verse:

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.Phil 1:6

I can see the change that the Holy Spirit has brought into my life. Coming from the point of where I was when He died for me to now which, by His Holy spirit, He is transforming me to become more like Him.This is a good work and because of HIS love and HIS work-its all Him, its ALL grace-this gives me confidence to know He has not finished with me yet and He will carry on until, on that day when He returns (the day of Christ Jesus) and I will see Him and be utterly transformed and be with Him forever.

Christ died for the very worst of me because He could see the very best of me that I was going to become.

Thank you Jesus...That's how amazing grace is...


A little final thought - if God demonstrates His love dying whilst people are still sinners-at their very worst, that means NO ONE is beyond grace - EVERYONE needs Jesus and Jesus dying on the cross is powerful enough to save ANYONE, even in their very worst state...so why don't we tell anyone and everyone??

Yes its been a while...and its another break from Beatitudes...question-what you doing??

Well, I apologise now-but this is going to waffle...I suppose I'm using this blog post as a way of cleaning out some of the thoughts in my head...Apologises for the lack of writing the past few weeks, work gets busy, life gets busy and things get pushed to the side lines-you wouldn't believe it when I only work 2 days a week would you??
Anyways...
So my 27th birthday is coming up this week and I find myself with my head feeling very very FULL...so many things are RAMMED in here at the moment which makes it actually quite like...well lets just say I understand how people can go mad, there are so many decisions that I could make-so many of friends are making life-alternating changes at the mo like getting married, having more babies, further studying, buying houses, starting new jobs in new places, pursuing new things, moving to new places and NOTHING of such 'progress' is happening in my life...feels like I'm in a crowd and everything is moving around me and there are responsibilities of manager a centre of a christian charity and working/being in a church with many things going on and other stuff which doesn't need to shared on the net-but lets just say-its in my head...I think I realised how it is possible for mental illness to become such a common thing...when you are struggling to think-it messes everything up!
So yeah...I have all this going round my head-ready to scream at any moment and asking some good conversations with brothers and sisters in Christ I finally come to pray (YES, before you say it...I should have done that first-but hey I'm not exactly thinking straight).During this week on camp we've been thinking about 'the world we all want' and looking forward to heaven and as I came and prayed and read my Bible with all these things going round my head...I came to these scriptures,
'Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.' Col 3:16-17

I'm not ashamed to say I had a little cry...I realise that I had become such a tight-rope walker in my relationship with God. We need to commit the decision about our life in prayer (maybe not all-like what to have for lunch...but hey-feel free to discuss!)but if we looking to follow his rule, listening to him and honouring him with our lives then actually-we could do anything...because ANYTHING we do should be for his Glory. Does that make sense?? For me, that brought such a release. In verse 16 actually gives the main focus of life anyway-to have the message of Christ dwelling in us richly, in that fellowship where we can teach and admonish each other - i.e. the church...
I allow my head to become so full of everything when I take my eyes off Christ but when we focus on Him, it all makes so much sense. He has actually told us that this is not to be our focus anyways...our life-what we do...
One of my fav people on the planet - Jenny Smithson shared her testimony at camp this year (which never fails to make me cry) about her mother going to be with her Saviour after dying in this world of cancer and she read from C.S. Lewis's book the Last Battle, the final extract being...
'"There wasa real railway accident," said Aslan softly."Your father and mother and all of you are - as you used to call it in the Shadowlands - dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning."
And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can mostly truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: not at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever:...'The Last Battle, The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S.Lewis page 767

Jesus constantly preached about the Kingdom of God being here - He came to bring to bring the Kingdom...as we pray 'On earth as it is in heaven' but NOTHING we do on this earth, even miracles and the signs and wonders are not going to compare with the beauty, majesty and magnificence of heaven when Jesus returns to claim His bride to be with Him...this IS only the title page and cover.

Lord I pray that whatever I do would be for your Glory, to see your full gospel proclaimed and that the way I live the cover and title page of the story would be so full of You that they will want to enter into the full story of your good news of eternity...