Would the real me, Hannah Pamplin, please stand up...

In our church we've stepped out in a new venture called Church in The Home. The idea is to be light within the local community, to create community within the community and to reach out locally.Its a fantastic adventure which we are starting out on...its still very early days. I knew right from the beginning that this where God wanted me to be but what I didn't anticipate that God was going to use it to confront so many of my insecurities and things, which in all honesty I thought I had addressed a number of years ago. It meant leaving the comfort of all I knew to be 'church', the routine which I was now in and mindset that I had about doing 'church', all the friends and family that I was used to seeing week after week...Don't get me wrong, I was looking forward to the adventure but it was terrifying...

Actually starting out didn't make it easier because I was addressing the issues head on!!As I started to think about it  and what I am still working through...the question is who am I? I realised that insecurity comes from lack of security (I'm not always the smartest)...but when we know who we are that's where we find security and we are told in the Bible that we are HIDDEN with Christ in God so we need to go to Christ to find who we are. We are also its in Christ that we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28) 

When you don't know who you are it means you can moved about as Ephesians puts it 'tossed and turned by every new wave of teaching' 

When you can be who you truly are it means that whilst you can adapt to the circumstance you are in you don't lose yourself...as Kipling once said, "If you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs..." This is a really beautiful thing. But there is something I've realised-being who you are...its also painful, and hard.
You are not always popular, not everyone likes you-it so easy to wear a mask because with a mask you can change it to be whoever the person you are with wants you to be.I like being liked...real like it I mean. I have spent my whole life wearing masks-even when I had the revelation that I did-I still wore them.There were times when I tried to take it down but I would end up putting on a different one. I shudder now when I think how I've acted around people in order to be liked-the mask I've worn in order to act how I think others think I should. I want to take this opportunity to apologise to you all for that...for when I worn a mask in front of you-for when I have held  back from being all Christ has called me to be for you. God has a purpose for everything, including our friendships and we need to be all Christ has called us to be in those and when we wear a mask we are not.
I've seen that, beginning to live intentionally in a community, you can't afford to be fake-the masks become too hard to wear and there is no point, yes its painful and really scary but it is SO worth it, that's how God has called us to be and its loving each other when we are not wearing the masks and the world will know we are Christ's disciples (John 13:35).
For true community to be formed we have to be authentic...so I have a responsibility that every day I allow the real me to stand up, to be seen every day...letting go of my right to be popular and liked but being real me Christ has always intended me to be...at every stage of this tranformation journey because it is when the mask is removed that Christ will Shine from me, from the inside out. So my prayer has become, each morning Lord remove the mask and would the real Hannah Pamplin please stand up today.

Dear Father God...

This week I had a bit of a revelation about prayer...
I'm currently reading the book of Daniel due to various hints and God sort of going through everything 'READ THIS BOOK'...you can't ignore something like that. So I've been reading it and I came to Daniel 9. Daniel is praying for the city, for the people of Jerusalem. God has given Daniel a vision which is not favourable to the people so Daniel seeks the Lord. As I read the passage there are a number times that Daniel says 'because of your righteousness do XYZ....' like in verse 16:

 "O Lord, according to all Your righteousness, I pray, let Your anger and Your fury be turned away from Your city Jerusalem

and it struck me, not only here but in various points in scripture where people say to God, "because you are this  make this happen'...Personally I always thought that was a little arrogant (but perhaps that is more to do with my walk with God than anything else) and I have also heard it said that we do that to remind God about who He is. That never sat right with me...God sitting in heaven and then someone praying, 'Lord you are merciful there have mercy...' then a lightblub appearing above God's head *ding* and him saying, 'Oh yeah-I completely forgot I was like that, thanks for reminding me-I'm able to sustain the universe in the palm of my hand but I can't actually remember who I am...thanks '...doesn't quite sound right does it??
So I started thinking then, 'why do it?' Then God showed me, its not for His benefit, its for ours...
As we pray, we remind ourselves about who God is and therefore our faith is increased because we don't have to think 'is this in Your will Lord?', if we pray, 'Lord you are our provider' or 'It says in Your word that You will never leave the righteous forsaken or their children begging for bread...' then we KNOW that it IS His will because he has said so in His word. Now this is not to say that He will answer the way we expect Him to or even the way we want Him to at times but we can know that this is something he cares about and as part of His character.
There's a couple of implications - do we know God well enough to pray like this. This Christian life is a relationship not a religion. In order to pray in a way that is reminding myself about who God is I need to know Him well enough in order to remind myself...I can't say to God 'you are X,Y,Z' if I don't know what they are. It means we must spend time with Him, quality time with Him, communicating with Him. Its like in any relationship, friendship etc unless you spend time with the other person, talking with them, sharing with them, listening to them you won't get to know them.
We NEED to spend time in the Bible - God has told us who is through this word-look at Jesus...He IS the Word. At new year my brother spoke at his church and he challenged us to read the gospels again with fresh eyes-get to know Jesus again, as you do that you will know what God is like.Then you may also discover you are the answer to some of your own prayers...but that's another blog for another time...

Do you love me?

So I feel like every time I write this I need to apologise for lack of communication...there I did it again...moving on. I'm currently in Canada enjoying the festive time of year with my WHOLE family which is an extremely rare occurrence and something which excites me greatly.But I realised at the beginning of this week how tired I actually was-when I went to sleep at 7.30pm one evening only to be awake by 6am the next...a healthy 11 hours sleep and I felt human. There have many things that have been on my mind to share but I think I will save those until I come home...

A very normal transformation...

This is at the 2nd time I've tried to write this blog...I gave it a different title last time and its still sitting in my drafts but then too much time had lapsed and I thought I needed to start fully again...so here we go...I realise that I last wrote over a month ago, one of my best friends Abi and I used to say 'alot can happen in 2 weeks' and that is certainly true-which means a whole bunch of stuff can happen in a month. I wanted this to be a really beautiful, poetic painted view of how God has worked and moved in my life over these last few weeks but I fear from this beginning its going to be far from that, but I will continue nonetheless and I'm hoping the title may become clear as well...I'll leave that for you to decide.


So I last wrote in August about being broken and how I believed God was breaking me down-like a lego tower being dismantled piece by piece (if you look down the bottom there should be a button that says 'previous' try clicking there :) ) So I got to the end of myself, this pile of broken me all over the floor and left going 'What now?' God's timing is always perfect and had allowed circumstances contribute to my breaking, which is hard but I realise for me, now, necessary. Then a light, staff conference for CAP which as ever, an awesome time to come away and to rest, to be with God and his people and hear His heart. It was exactly what many of us needed. But in my mind, my thoughts I was struggling-because I was in pieces. But God used this time to even speak to me in my brokenness-He is so good to us and everything in me was crying out for more of Him but there was stuff He had to deal with first


As I said in my last blog this period of brokenness had led me to confess my deepest,darkest sin not only to people I loved but people I respected most in Christ. I had arranged to drive up and see these friends after conference with Rosie and whilst I wanted to see them-almost more than anything else in world, I could have also waited forever for that day to come...because I knew what it would mean. It would be coming and be totally honest about who I was. Something I had not done for 11 years (this is how long I had struggled/sustained this). You see they had offered to prayer it through with me, to ministry to me and through the Holy Spirit deliver me from it. This is something I had always and yet never wanted because it would mean letting go. It would mean allowing this persona which I had held up all my Christian life to fall...to open the locked door and let God look inside pull it all out and see all the damage it had done. So I picked up Rosie and we drove. Our friends live in Scotland, just over the boundary, in the middle of nowhere in a converted church (complete with grave yard in the garden :) ) now with a fully facilitated log cabin attached in the back yard. It is so peaceful not just because of position but because of presence, the presence of God. Its a beautiful place. So we arrived and in all honesty I don't remember alot about the beginning of the night...and then we came to prayer. I won't go into everything we prayed because I'm not here to talk about the formula...that's not what this is about...but I can tell you one thing: God came in the room and his angels were in room. I'm not saying this because I saw things (which I did) or because I heard things (which I did) but because I am a different person as a result of that night, I am not the same person. There is a song by Godfrey Birtill that says

 'Just one touch from the King changes everything'

 and I have always said/sang that and kinda believed it and kinda knew it to be true but following that night I knew it was true...


But I have to honest - I didn't believe it initially-I explained-like some of my other God experiences, to feel incredibly different and be on some weird sort of high, like I was floated on clouds and it was all nice...but it didn't and I woke and went to bed feeling very normal, being tempted by the stuff I had just been 'delivered' from and this disconcerted me abit...I was uneasy myself-I felt different but I also felt very me, very human and as the weekend went on with more prayer and time in the presence of God I became increasingly anxious about going home and this change was just going to stay here and I was going to go home the same as I had so many times before...then a song that came to me on the Saturday morning that we pumped out of the car on the drive of home,Holding Nothing Back-Tim Hughes: 

I am chosen, I am free,I am Living for eternity,Free now forever
You picked me up, turned me around, You set my feet on solid ground, Yours now forever 

And nothing's gonna hold me back, Nothing's gonna hold me back, Nothing's gonna hold me back
My chains fell off My heart was free,I'm alive to live for you, I'm alive to live for you Amazing Love, how can it be?You give everything for me  

You give everything for me 

 Everything 

You washed my sin and shame away
The slate is clean: a brand new day,Free now forever, Now boldly I approach your throne,  To claim this crown through Christ my own  

Yours now forever... 

I'm free to live 

Free to give 

Free to be 

I'm free to love you 

And I realised, this is true for me now-This is who I am...I am changed and I had a choice, do I chose to live with the change or do I ignore it? Casting crowns put it in one of their songs 

'Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through between the altar and the door?' 

But I realised, that's the point-its JESUS that has done the change-its NOT me, its God, HE is the one who has changed me, HE is the one who has set me free, HE is the one who has touched my life. I have had to make a choice to continue to live in that though...so I currently have boundaries to help me including having someone babysit my computer for a while-hence the lack of blogs (just so you know).


I have been utterly broken. I know now there is NOTHING of good in me, except what Christ has done in and through me. He is the one who has cleanse me, set me free. I am by no means the finished article and I know that will not happen until I get to be with my Lord in glory (oh Lord for that day to come) but I know that I am NOT the same person-I still look the same, talk the same, walk the same but I think completely differently. I feel light...that's the best way to describe it. It is like a light has finally been turned on in the last room of the house...the darkness that haunted me is no longer there because the light of Christ has exposed it and for years being blinded by the light-I've now allowed it to shine.


So am I still broken? Yes but,  "My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise." Psalm 51:7


and Jesus talking about himself as the cornerstone :"Anyone who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; anyone on whom it falls will be crushed.” Luke 20:18


Yes I am still very much broken...but I am allowing God to put me back together bit by bit built on a foundation of Him and only Him.


He is so beautiful and is worth EVERYTHING.

broken...

#Honestly I need to be broken,
Honestly I need to fall down
Go ahead and shake my foundations, 'cause honestly I'm figurin' out,
Out of al that I have, all that I need is You
Honestly
'Honestly' Carl Cartee, Anadara Arnold, and Elias Dummer

I remember when I first heard this song, it was on a CD of my brother's (Elias Drummer is a friend) and I remember liking it the first time I heard it...and I really liked it but over the past few weeks its come to have a whole new level of meaning.

Have you ever been broken by God? I mean really
broken...basically utterly wrecked and far from being a thing that God could prevent because it hurts-He is the one bringing it into your life in order that you can have a deeper relationship with Him. It's a brokenness that wrecks you of anything that is in this world, anything that we hold onto tightly, anything that we can build our identification and security on other than Jesus. In my life, right now, I believe I am in a season of brokenness. I think it happens in different ways for different people-for some there is a build up and then a few days where its like BANG and they are broken like breaking a window-One moment...but for me, its not like that -because thats the grace of God, our brokenness is tailored to us. God says in 1 corthians that he will never take us beyond what we can endure so in our brokenness, he doesn't break us so we can't be repaired.He breaks us in order to rebuild in His image. My breaking has been abit more like lego tower-over time, piece by piece He has been breaking things off me and in me and every so often its like He breaks the final pieces off the where they are stuck, the foundation I had built them on. When Paul writes that it is not longer I who live but Christ lives in me (Gal 2:20) Paul says I have been crucified with Christ...no I don't know what you know about crucifixion or if you have seen 'Passion of the Christ' but I think when someone is crucified they are indeed broken.
But Christ has died so we don't have to right?Physically speaking, yes, but I have a choice in dying daily and for a lot of my christian life I have said it but not lived it out and we build our foundation on so many other things other than Christ.
Jesus never promised that it would be comfortable. The parable of the wise and foolish man building their houses is a sunday school favourite but it isn't any less true, our lives need to be built on the foundation of Christ - that he is the core of everything. I remember when my Dad was basically rebuilding our house and the foundation that had to be laid were HUGE and others that had to be broken-it took a lot of work to back them down and lay new ones and this is what it is like with our lives...we need to kill/destroy the old ones and have Jesus lay down new ones of Him and His live and kingdom. Coming to the point of brokenness is like standing on the edge of the cliff-God will always give you a choice-you can step off the cliff and embrace the brokenness or you can step back and stay in comfort but not moving forward with Christ.But be warned...
The breaking is PAINFUL. For me it has meant confession of my darkest secrets not only to some of my closest friends but also those who I respect the most in Christ. It has meant admitting to myself who I really am. It has meant a lot of tears and a lot of shouting and screaming. But it doesn't happen until you are ready for it - because of God's grace. My beautiful friend/sister in Christ Rosie explained it this way, its like a spot-you can't squeeze it until its ready to be squeezed otherwise it becomes more painful!(wise girl) For months I've been seeing more and more nothing works without Christ, any system that I have built or tried to build for myself...whether its about how I feel about things or how I cope with things-without Christ its all rubbish...nothing works. I have had to be wreaked of everything else and ask Christ to break it.
I don't believe its over either, I believe I'm still in the middle. There's still more healing, more tears, more screaming, more ministry that needs to occur but I know God will bring me through, an utterly rebuilt broken vessel that can shine for Him as more of Him can be seen brighter than before.That'swhy I need to be broken..."'cause out of all that I have, All that I need is You, honestly."

No challenge today...this is my journey...so here's my prayer for you, May you see Christ's beauty shine through your brokenness and may God by his grace lead you to a place where you know stepping off the cliff to brokenness is the only best move possible.

The me that He died for...

(I WILL get back to the Beatitudes soon...promise)

So this morning I came to Bible time/quiet time/God time - whatever name you give it, feeling low...it seems that over the past few days I've had, what seems, a heighten awareness of my sinfulness.This, I do understand, can be seen as a glorious blessing-when God reveals things in order that He can mould us into His likeness, but currently in my mind, it makes me sad to see how far I still have to go-how far I am from being like my Saviour...
But as I read my Bible this morning I was reminded of a verse that I have read a thousand times before:

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

And it hit me like a lightening bolt...Whilst I look at my life at the moment and can be upset and wonder how can God love me the way I am? will He complete what He started? Is He going to leave me this way because I've stuffed up too many times? This verse tells me something amazing...Jesus didn't die for me the way that I am now, this lass that by His Holy Spirit is being transformed more and more into Christ's likeness, Jesus died for me when I was in my very worst state that I could be in - whilst I was STILL a sinner, with all my worst traits present and still a slave to sin (Romans 6, John 8:34). The implication of the word sinner in this verse isn't someone, like me, who has been saved but still sins, no - the indication is that it is us whist we still had their back turned towards God (or anyone who has their backs still turned towards God) - whilst we were in the very worst state we could be in...Christ died for us THEN, when we were at our, when I was at my very worst. THAT'S how much He loves us.
I then remembered another verse:

being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.Phil 1:6

I can see the change that the Holy Spirit has brought into my life. Coming from the point of where I was when He died for me to now which, by His Holy spirit, He is transforming me to become more like Him.This is a good work and because of HIS love and HIS work-its all Him, its ALL grace-this gives me confidence to know He has not finished with me yet and He will carry on until, on that day when He returns (the day of Christ Jesus) and I will see Him and be utterly transformed and be with Him forever.

Christ died for the very worst of me because He could see the very best of me that I was going to become.

Thank you Jesus...That's how amazing grace is...


A little final thought - if God demonstrates His love dying whilst people are still sinners-at their very worst, that means NO ONE is beyond grace - EVERYONE needs Jesus and Jesus dying on the cross is powerful enough to save ANYONE, even in their very worst state...so why don't we tell anyone and everyone??

Yes its been a while...and its another break from Beatitudes...question-what you doing??

Well, I apologise now-but this is going to waffle...I suppose I'm using this blog post as a way of cleaning out some of the thoughts in my head...Apologises for the lack of writing the past few weeks, work gets busy, life gets busy and things get pushed to the side lines-you wouldn't believe it when I only work 2 days a week would you??
Anyways...
So my 27th birthday is coming up this week and I find myself with my head feeling very very FULL...so many things are RAMMED in here at the moment which makes it actually quite like...well lets just say I understand how people can go mad, there are so many decisions that I could make-so many of friends are making life-alternating changes at the mo like getting married, having more babies, further studying, buying houses, starting new jobs in new places, pursuing new things, moving to new places and NOTHING of such 'progress' is happening in my life...feels like I'm in a crowd and everything is moving around me and there are responsibilities of manager a centre of a christian charity and working/being in a church with many things going on and other stuff which doesn't need to shared on the net-but lets just say-its in my head...I think I realised how it is possible for mental illness to become such a common thing...when you are struggling to think-it messes everything up!
So yeah...I have all this going round my head-ready to scream at any moment and asking some good conversations with brothers and sisters in Christ I finally come to pray (YES, before you say it...I should have done that first-but hey I'm not exactly thinking straight).During this week on camp we've been thinking about 'the world we all want' and looking forward to heaven and as I came and prayed and read my Bible with all these things going round my head...I came to these scriptures,
'Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.' Col 3:16-17

I'm not ashamed to say I had a little cry...I realise that I had become such a tight-rope walker in my relationship with God. We need to commit the decision about our life in prayer (maybe not all-like what to have for lunch...but hey-feel free to discuss!)but if we looking to follow his rule, listening to him and honouring him with our lives then actually-we could do anything...because ANYTHING we do should be for his Glory. Does that make sense?? For me, that brought such a release. In verse 16 actually gives the main focus of life anyway-to have the message of Christ dwelling in us richly, in that fellowship where we can teach and admonish each other - i.e. the church...
I allow my head to become so full of everything when I take my eyes off Christ but when we focus on Him, it all makes so much sense. He has actually told us that this is not to be our focus anyways...our life-what we do...
One of my fav people on the planet - Jenny Smithson shared her testimony at camp this year (which never fails to make me cry) about her mother going to be with her Saviour after dying in this world of cancer and she read from C.S. Lewis's book the Last Battle, the final extract being...
'"There wasa real railway accident," said Aslan softly."Your father and mother and all of you are - as you used to call it in the Shadowlands - dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning."
And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can mostly truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: not at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever:...'The Last Battle, The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S.Lewis page 767

Jesus constantly preached about the Kingdom of God being here - He came to bring to bring the Kingdom...as we pray 'On earth as it is in heaven' but NOTHING we do on this earth, even miracles and the signs and wonders are not going to compare with the beauty, majesty and magnificence of heaven when Jesus returns to claim His bride to be with Him...this IS only the title page and cover.

Lord I pray that whatever I do would be for your Glory, to see your full gospel proclaimed and that the way I live the cover and title page of the story would be so full of You that they will want to enter into the full story of your good news of eternity...