Today is what has commanly become known as Good Friday. This confused me for years...everything about this holiday-on the face value, without the understanding of what takes place says its bad-its celebrating a miscarriage of justice and one of the most painful deaths ever experienced by man...
But through my tears, my redeemed soul and His Spirit within me cry out it is Good Friday. Why? Because from today, we can finally understand what Love looks like.
Because from today, we know crimson/scarlet stains make it white as snow,
Because from today we know that we cry out to a God who understands pain.
Because of today we have a God who knows what is to overcome temptation and lead us through,
Because of today we can be secured in the depths of the love of our saviour for us,
Because of today we have know our God understands rejection, ridicule, humiliation, anxiety, fear, worry.
Because of today we understand that God understands.
Because of today we know Jesus can walk with us through anything as he has been through the worst of everything.
Because of today we know God is passionate about us,
Because of today we know God desperately wants a relationship with us,
Because of today every part of my body can be touched by His power-every part of Him was broken for that,
Because of today I now hold my head high because God passionately pursued me,
Because of today I can share the torture story so a tortured world set free,
Because of today I can give up the power struggle for my life,
Because of today there is no curse,
Because of today I am free from punishment,
Because of today I am no longer a slave,
Because of today I see exactly who I am and whose I am,
Because of today the wrath of God was eternity-once and for all satisfied. Because of today-everything was about to change...It was Friday but Sunday's coming..
Because of today...
Friday 6 April 2012
sometimes recycling isn't healthy
I've just moved house. I'm really excited about this-its the first time in 3 years that I'm not lodging. Don't get me wrong-lodging was fantastic and a real gift from God at the time but it wasn't somewhere to call 'mine'-the houses belonged to others but in my new place, although shared and rented its still mine-I can decorate it how I want, my land lord doesn't live with me. This has brought so much freedom and allowed me to stir up giftings such as hospitality...its brilliant. However - this has presented a challenge as I don't have my own furniture but you what I have come to LOVE-2nd hand shops...they are AMAZING. When you look, you get good quality things (they must be, as they have lasted well) for a fantastic cost and often have much more character than some cheaper flat pack Scandinavian furniture store product (by the way...I do LOVE that store).I do like 2nd hand living, recycling is good.
During this moving and furniture getting process I have discovered something about myself-whether its a God revelation or whether its me thinking through circumstances and applying where I see fit...I realise, in my life, I've been living 2nd hand before. I've been living 2nd hand in my life with God. I will forever be thankful for my upbringing, for being taught from a young age that Jesus is King and He is Lord. This has, I discovered, compounded with my laziness, has meant that I have lived from 2nd hand revelation...rather than reading the Word of God for myself, I have simply taken in sermons, quotation of Bible verses and teaching that others have given rather than looking into myself, if you like, living off others revelation rather than my own-living 2nd hand. But you may say, 'Hannah, I don't do that-I've made my own descion to follow Christ-not just follow my parents faith.' That's good, me too- I've always been and have taught that you can't live off your parents faith, that it is a personal decision and YOU have to make the decision as an individual which is right but how often, especially if we have 'grown up in church', do we just accept a teaching or a particular argument for something because its from a denomination we trust or someone we like has said it? How often do we look in the Word or spend time praying after a sermon and ask God what HE says about it? I've realised there are things that I have argued passionately about in my life and discovered that actually-I only believed it because it was something I had always been told, not something I had come to believe myself.
This isn't what Christ called us into. He called us to be in relationship with Him. Not just 'everyone, each one of us, individually. Unless we have the revelation and hear from Christ himself from His word we live on very dangerous ground-remember the parable of the house built on the rock and sand (Matt 7:24-2) if we have not discovered the revelation for ourselves, it will not be a rock in our lives, it'll will just be a knowledge in our heads rather a conviction of our hearts and THAT is when it is built on sand. A real relationship, a true relationship isn't just knowledge 'about' that person.I mean-I can tell you all about David Tennant or Benedict Cumberbacth but I am not in a relationship 'with' them (except in my imagination *cough* anyway moving on...) there is no connection of the heart. Jesus calls us to be in relationship WITH Him not just know ABOUT.
I confess so much of my life I have lived 2nd hand, from recycled teaching and ideas from others...
Lord let me live with the genuine original life and relationship with you.
Sometimes recycling is not good for the planet for you, sometimes its not healthy...
It's only words...
I am good at talking. This is something I realised a while ago. I'm sure many of you will have realised, but something I've discovered is that I do rather more of it then I ever used to...I was once given the compliment that was also given to my Dad-at the time I didn't realise how much of a compliment it was, it was a long the lines of 'you don't say much but what you do say is full of wisdom and always worth listening to.'
Over the years as the masks I've wore have swapped and changed, my speech have become loosened and I realise now I talk, maybe rather too much and because of this, find myself locked into situations which I can not get out of, situations which maybe even God does not want me in.Then I find myself trapped as I want to be a woman of my word-('But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37 All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ Matt 5:34-37).I have got into the habit of reading Proverbs and there's a lot written about speech, words and in the Bible as a whole - not just about 'perverse words' or 'curse language' but about the frequency of speech...
The prudent keep their knowledge to themselves, but a fool’s heart blurts out folly. Proverbs 12:23
Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.Proverbs 10:19
The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.Proverbs 15:2
Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues. Proverbs 17:28
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23
A dream comes when there are many cares, and many words mark the speech of a fool. Eccelesiaties 5:3
It would seem that, according to the Bible, it is a good thing to hold your tongue and there is much greater wisdom, if only in appearance, of restricting your words. Yet I've believed the lie for so long that if you know something you should share it...but is that just so I can gain the approval of those around me? so I can be popular rather than letting them love me for what God shines through? Or just because I like talking?
I've heard it said in christian circles/teaching that we stop talking in order to be able to listen to people-this is true, but what if we should stop talking just to stop talking-because there is no need to speak?
In James (and in proverbs I have discovered) it says that life and death is in the power of the tongue (James 3:6) This instrument of communication that God has given is an AMAZING gift and we are called to use it to proclaim Gods goodness 'how will they know unless they have heard?(can't find reference-see next blog...)' But like any tools that God has given us we need to learn to manage it well.
Lord, I repent for becoming, with my masks and seeking of people's praise, too quick to speak. Teach me how and when to speak and not speak and as David cried out, 'Save me, LORD, from lying lips and from deceitful tongues.'(Psalm 120:2)...including when those lips and tongues are my own...
I pray that I become a woman of God known as much for what I don't say as for what I do...
Over the years as the masks I've wore have swapped and changed, my speech have become loosened and I realise now I talk, maybe rather too much and because of this, find myself locked into situations which I can not get out of, situations which maybe even God does not want me in.Then I find myself trapped as I want to be a woman of my word-('But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37 All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ Matt 5:34-37).I have got into the habit of reading Proverbs and there's a lot written about speech, words and in the Bible as a whole - not just about 'perverse words' or 'curse language' but about the frequency of speech...
The prudent keep their knowledge to themselves, but a fool’s heart blurts out folly. Proverbs 12:23
Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.Proverbs 10:19
The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.Proverbs 15:2
Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues. Proverbs 17:28
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23
A dream comes when there are many cares, and many words mark the speech of a fool. Eccelesiaties 5:3
It would seem that, according to the Bible, it is a good thing to hold your tongue and there is much greater wisdom, if only in appearance, of restricting your words. Yet I've believed the lie for so long that if you know something you should share it...but is that just so I can gain the approval of those around me? so I can be popular rather than letting them love me for what God shines through? Or just because I like talking?
I've heard it said in christian circles/teaching that we stop talking in order to be able to listen to people-this is true, but what if we should stop talking just to stop talking-because there is no need to speak?
In James (and in proverbs I have discovered) it says that life and death is in the power of the tongue (James 3:6) This instrument of communication that God has given is an AMAZING gift and we are called to use it to proclaim Gods goodness 'how will they know unless they have heard?(can't find reference-see next blog...)' But like any tools that God has given us we need to learn to manage it well.
Lord, I repent for becoming, with my masks and seeking of people's praise, too quick to speak. Teach me how and when to speak and not speak and as David cried out, 'Save me, LORD, from lying lips and from deceitful tongues.'(Psalm 120:2)...including when those lips and tongues are my own...
I pray that I become a woman of God known as much for what I don't say as for what I do...
Monday 27 February 2012
Would the real me, Hannah Pamplin, please stand up...
In our church we've stepped out in a new venture called Church in The Home. The idea is to be light within the local community, to create community within the community and to reach out locally.Its a fantastic adventure which we are starting out on...its still very early days. I knew right from the beginning that this where God wanted me to be but what I didn't anticipate that God was going to use it to confront so many of my insecurities and things, which in all honesty I thought I had addressed a number of years ago. It meant leaving the comfort of all I knew to be 'church', the routine which I was now in and mindset that I had about doing 'church', all the friends and family that I was used to seeing week after week...Don't get me wrong, I was looking forward to the adventure but it was terrifying...
Actually starting out didn't make it easier because I was addressing the issues head on!!As I started to think about it and what I am still working through...the question is who am I? I realised that insecurity comes from lack of security (I'm not always the smartest)...but when we know who we are that's where we find security and we are told in the Bible that we are HIDDEN with Christ in God so we need to go to Christ to find who we are. We are also its in Christ that we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28)
When you don't know who you are it means you can moved about as Ephesians puts it 'tossed and turned by every new wave of teaching'
When you can be who you truly are it means that whilst you can adapt to the circumstance you are in you don't lose yourself...as Kipling once said, "If you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs..." This is a really beautiful thing. But there is something I've realised-being who you are...its also painful, and hard.
You are not always popular, not everyone likes you-it so easy to wear a mask because with a mask you can change it to be whoever the person you are with wants you to be.I like being liked...real like it I mean. I have spent my whole life wearing masks-even when I had the revelation that I did-I still wore them.There were times when I tried to take it down but I would end up putting on a different one. I shudder now when I think how I've acted around people in order to be liked-the mask I've worn in order to act how I think others think I should. I want to take this opportunity to apologise to you all for that...for when I worn a mask in front of you-for when I have held back from being all Christ has called me to be for you. God has a purpose for everything, including our friendships and we need to be all Christ has called us to be in those and when we wear a mask we are not.
I've seen that, beginning to live intentionally in a community, you can't afford to be fake-the masks become too hard to wear and there is no point, yes its painful and really scary but it is SO worth it, that's how God has called us to be and its loving each other when we are not wearing the masks and the world will know we are Christ's disciples (John 13:35).
For true community to be formed we have to be authentic...so I have a responsibility that every day I allow the real me to stand up, to be seen every day...letting go of my right to be popular and liked but being real me Christ has always intended me to be...at every stage of this tranformation journey because it is when the mask is removed that Christ will Shine from me, from the inside out. So my prayer has become, each morning Lord remove the mask and would the real Hannah Pamplin please stand up today.
You are not always popular, not everyone likes you-it so easy to wear a mask because with a mask you can change it to be whoever the person you are with wants you to be.I like being liked...real like it I mean. I have spent my whole life wearing masks-even when I had the revelation that I did-I still wore them.There were times when I tried to take it down but I would end up putting on a different one. I shudder now when I think how I've acted around people in order to be liked-the mask I've worn in order to act how I think others think I should. I want to take this opportunity to apologise to you all for that...for when I worn a mask in front of you-for when I have held back from being all Christ has called me to be for you. God has a purpose for everything, including our friendships and we need to be all Christ has called us to be in those and when we wear a mask we are not.
I've seen that, beginning to live intentionally in a community, you can't afford to be fake-the masks become too hard to wear and there is no point, yes its painful and really scary but it is SO worth it, that's how God has called us to be and its loving each other when we are not wearing the masks and the world will know we are Christ's disciples (John 13:35).
For true community to be formed we have to be authentic...so I have a responsibility that every day I allow the real me to stand up, to be seen every day...letting go of my right to be popular and liked but being real me Christ has always intended me to be...at every stage of this tranformation journey because it is when the mask is removed that Christ will Shine from me, from the inside out. So my prayer has become, each morning Lord remove the mask and would the real Hannah Pamplin please stand up today.
Sunday 12 February 2012
Dear Father God...
This week I had a bit of a revelation about prayer...
I'm currently reading the book of Daniel due to various hints and God sort of going through everything 'READ THIS BOOK'...you can't ignore something like that. So I've been reading it and I came to Daniel 9. Daniel is praying for the city, for the people of Jerusalem. God has given Daniel a vision which is not favourable to the people so Daniel seeks the Lord. As I read the passage there are a number times that Daniel says 'because of your righteousness do XYZ....' like in verse 16:
So I started thinking then, 'why do it?' Then God showed me, its not for His benefit, its for ours...
As we pray, we remind ourselves about who God is and therefore our faith is increased because we don't have to think 'is this in Your will Lord?', if we pray, 'Lord you are our provider' or 'It says in Your word that You will never leave the righteous forsaken or their children begging for bread...' then we KNOW that it IS His will because he has said so in His word. Now this is not to say that He will answer the way we expect Him to or even the way we want Him to at times but we can know that this is something he cares about and as part of His character.
There's a couple of implications - do we know God well enough to pray like this. This Christian life is a relationship not a religion. In order to pray in a way that is reminding myself about who God is I need to know Him well enough in order to remind myself...I can't say to God 'you are X,Y,Z' if I don't know what they are. It means we must spend time with Him, quality time with Him, communicating with Him. Its like in any relationship, friendship etc unless you spend time with the other person, talking with them, sharing with them, listening to them you won't get to know them.
We NEED to spend time in the Bible - God has told us who is through this word-look at Jesus...He IS the Word. At new year my brother spoke at his church and he challenged us to read the gospels again with fresh eyes-get to know Jesus again, as you do that you will know what God is like.Then you may also discover you are the answer to some of your own prayers...but that's another blog for another time...
I'm currently reading the book of Daniel due to various hints and God sort of going through everything 'READ THIS BOOK'...you can't ignore something like that. So I've been reading it and I came to Daniel 9. Daniel is praying for the city, for the people of Jerusalem. God has given Daniel a vision which is not favourable to the people so Daniel seeks the Lord. As I read the passage there are a number times that Daniel says 'because of your righteousness do XYZ....' like in verse 16:
"O Lord, according to all Your righteousness, I pray, let Your anger and Your fury be turned away from Your city Jerusalemand it struck me, not only here but in various points in scripture where people say to God, "because you are this make this happen'...Personally I always thought that was a little arrogant (but perhaps that is more to do with my walk with God than anything else) and I have also heard it said that we do that to remind God about who He is. That never sat right with me...God sitting in heaven and then someone praying, 'Lord you are merciful there have mercy...' then a lightblub appearing above God's head *ding* and him saying, 'Oh yeah-I completely forgot I was like that, thanks for reminding me-I'm able to sustain the universe in the palm of my hand but I can't actually remember who I am...thanks '...doesn't quite sound right does it??
So I started thinking then, 'why do it?' Then God showed me, its not for His benefit, its for ours...
As we pray, we remind ourselves about who God is and therefore our faith is increased because we don't have to think 'is this in Your will Lord?', if we pray, 'Lord you are our provider' or 'It says in Your word that You will never leave the righteous forsaken or their children begging for bread...' then we KNOW that it IS His will because he has said so in His word. Now this is not to say that He will answer the way we expect Him to or even the way we want Him to at times but we can know that this is something he cares about and as part of His character.
There's a couple of implications - do we know God well enough to pray like this. This Christian life is a relationship not a religion. In order to pray in a way that is reminding myself about who God is I need to know Him well enough in order to remind myself...I can't say to God 'you are X,Y,Z' if I don't know what they are. It means we must spend time with Him, quality time with Him, communicating with Him. Its like in any relationship, friendship etc unless you spend time with the other person, talking with them, sharing with them, listening to them you won't get to know them.
We NEED to spend time in the Bible - God has told us who is through this word-look at Jesus...He IS the Word. At new year my brother spoke at his church and he challenged us to read the gospels again with fresh eyes-get to know Jesus again, as you do that you will know what God is like.Then you may also discover you are the answer to some of your own prayers...but that's another blog for another time...
Thursday 29 December 2011
Do you love me?
So I feel like every time I write this I need to apologise for lack of communication...there I did it again...moving on.
I'm currently in Canada enjoying the festive time of year with my WHOLE family which is an extremely rare occurrence and something which excites me greatly.But I realised at the beginning of this week how tired I actually was-when I went to sleep at 7.30pm one evening only to be awake by 6am the next...a healthy 11 hours sleep and I felt human. There have many things that have been on my mind to share but I think I will save those until I come home...
Sunday 9 October 2011
A very normal transformation...
This is at the 2nd time I've tried to write this blog...I gave it a different title last time and its still sitting in my drafts but then too much time had lapsed and I thought I needed to start fully again...so here we go...I realise that I last wrote over a month ago, one of my best friends Abi and I used to say 'alot can happen in 2 weeks' and that is certainly true-which means a whole bunch of stuff can happen in a month. I wanted this to be a really beautiful, poetic painted view of how God has worked and moved in my life over these last few weeks but I fear from this beginning its going to be far from that, but I will continue nonetheless and I'm hoping the title may become clear as well...I'll leave that for you to decide.
So I last wrote in August about being broken and how I believed God was breaking me down-like a lego tower being dismantled piece by piece (if you look down the bottom there should be a button that says 'previous' try clicking there :) ) So I got to the end of myself, this pile of broken me all over the floor and left going 'What now?' God's timing is always perfect and had allowed circumstances contribute to my breaking, which is hard but I realise for me, now, necessary. Then a light, staff conference for CAP which as ever, an awesome time to come away and to rest, to be with God and his people and hear His heart. It was exactly what many of us needed. But in my mind, my thoughts I was struggling-because I was in pieces. But God used this time to even speak to me in my brokenness-He is so good to us and everything in me was crying out for more of Him but there was stuff He had to deal with first
As I said in my last blog this period of brokenness had led me to confess my deepest,darkest sin not only to people I loved but people I respected most in Christ. I had arranged to drive up and see these friends after conference with Rosie and whilst I wanted to see them-almost more than anything else in world, I could have also waited forever for that day to come...because I knew what it would mean. It would be coming and be totally honest about who I was. Something I had not done for 11 years (this is how long I had struggled/sustained this). You see they had offered to prayer it through with me, to ministry to me and through the Holy Spirit deliver me from it. This is something I had always and yet never wanted because it would mean letting go. It would mean allowing this persona which I had held up all my Christian life to fall...to open the locked door and let God look inside pull it all out and see all the damage it had done. So I picked up Rosie and we drove. Our friends live in Scotland, just over the boundary, in the middle of nowhere in a converted church (complete with grave yard in the garden :) ) now with a fully facilitated log cabin attached in the back yard. It is so peaceful not just because of position but because of presence, the presence of God. Its a beautiful place. So we arrived and in all honesty I don't remember alot about the beginning of the night...and then we came to prayer. I won't go into everything we prayed because I'm not here to talk about the formula...that's not what this is about...but I can tell you one thing: God came in the room and his angels were in room. I'm not saying this because I saw things (which I did) or because I heard things (which I did) but because I am a different person as a result of that night, I am not the same person. There is a song by Godfrey Birtill that says
and I have always said/sang that and kinda believed it and kinda knew it to be true but following that night I knew it was true...
But I have to honest - I didn't believe it initially-I explained-like some of my other God experiences, to feel incredibly different and be on some weird sort of high, like I was floated on clouds and it was all nice...but it didn't and I woke and went to bed feeling very normal, being tempted by the stuff I had just been 'delivered' from and this disconcerted me abit...I was uneasy myself-I felt different but I also felt very me, very human and as the weekend went on with more prayer and time in the presence of God I became increasingly anxious about going home and this change was just going to stay here and I was going to go home the same as I had so many times before...then a song that came to me on the Saturday morning that we pumped out of the car on the drive of home,Holding Nothing Back-Tim Hughes:
And I realised, this is true for me now-This is who I am...I am changed and I had a choice, do I chose to live with the change or do I ignore it? Casting crowns put it in one of their songs
But I realised, that's the point-its JESUS that has done the change-its NOT me, its God, HE is the one who has changed me, HE is the one who has set me free, HE is the one who has touched my life. I have had to make a choice to continue to live in that though...so I currently have boundaries to help me including having someone babysit my computer for a while-hence the lack of blogs (just so you know).
I have been utterly broken. I know now there is NOTHING of good in me, except what Christ has done in and through me. He is the one who has cleanse me, set me free. I am by no means the finished article and I know that will not happen until I get to be with my Lord in glory (oh Lord for that day to come) but I know that I am NOT the same person-I still look the same, talk the same, walk the same but I think completely differently. I feel light...that's the best way to describe it. It is like a light has finally been turned on in the last room of the house...the darkness that haunted me is no longer there because the light of Christ has exposed it and for years being blinded by the light-I've now allowed it to shine.
So am I still broken? Yes but, "My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise." Psalm 51:7
and Jesus talking about himself as the cornerstone :"Anyone who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; anyone on whom it falls will be crushed.” Luke 20:18
Yes I am still very much broken...but I am allowing God to put me back together bit by bit built on a foundation of Him and only Him.
He is so beautiful and is worth EVERYTHING.
So I last wrote in August about being broken and how I believed God was breaking me down-like a lego tower being dismantled piece by piece (if you look down the bottom there should be a button that says 'previous' try clicking there :) ) So I got to the end of myself, this pile of broken me all over the floor and left going 'What now?' God's timing is always perfect and had allowed circumstances contribute to my breaking, which is hard but I realise for me, now, necessary. Then a light, staff conference for CAP which as ever, an awesome time to come away and to rest, to be with God and his people and hear His heart. It was exactly what many of us needed. But in my mind, my thoughts I was struggling-because I was in pieces. But God used this time to even speak to me in my brokenness-He is so good to us and everything in me was crying out for more of Him but there was stuff He had to deal with first
As I said in my last blog this period of brokenness had led me to confess my deepest,darkest sin not only to people I loved but people I respected most in Christ. I had arranged to drive up and see these friends after conference with Rosie and whilst I wanted to see them-almost more than anything else in world, I could have also waited forever for that day to come...because I knew what it would mean. It would be coming and be totally honest about who I was. Something I had not done for 11 years (this is how long I had struggled/sustained this). You see they had offered to prayer it through with me, to ministry to me and through the Holy Spirit deliver me from it. This is something I had always and yet never wanted because it would mean letting go. It would mean allowing this persona which I had held up all my Christian life to fall...to open the locked door and let God look inside pull it all out and see all the damage it had done. So I picked up Rosie and we drove. Our friends live in Scotland, just over the boundary, in the middle of nowhere in a converted church (complete with grave yard in the garden :) ) now with a fully facilitated log cabin attached in the back yard. It is so peaceful not just because of position but because of presence, the presence of God. Its a beautiful place. So we arrived and in all honesty I don't remember alot about the beginning of the night...and then we came to prayer. I won't go into everything we prayed because I'm not here to talk about the formula...that's not what this is about...but I can tell you one thing: God came in the room and his angels were in room. I'm not saying this because I saw things (which I did) or because I heard things (which I did) but because I am a different person as a result of that night, I am not the same person. There is a song by Godfrey Birtill that says
'Just one touch from the King changes everything'
and I have always said/sang that and kinda believed it and kinda knew it to be true but following that night I knew it was true...
But I have to honest - I didn't believe it initially-I explained-like some of my other God experiences, to feel incredibly different and be on some weird sort of high, like I was floated on clouds and it was all nice...but it didn't and I woke and went to bed feeling very normal, being tempted by the stuff I had just been 'delivered' from and this disconcerted me abit...I was uneasy myself-I felt different but I also felt very me, very human and as the weekend went on with more prayer and time in the presence of God I became increasingly anxious about going home and this change was just going to stay here and I was going to go home the same as I had so many times before...then a song that came to me on the Saturday morning that we pumped out of the car on the drive of home,Holding Nothing Back-Tim Hughes:
I am chosen, I am free,I am Living for eternity,Free now forever
You picked me up, turned me around, You set my feet on solid ground, Yours now forever
And nothing's gonna hold me back, Nothing's gonna hold me back, Nothing's gonna hold me back
My chains fell off My heart was free,I'm alive to live for you, I'm alive to live for you Amazing Love, how can it be?You give everything for me
You give everything for me
Everything
You washed my sin and shame away
The slate is clean: a brand new day,Free now forever, Now boldly I approach your throne, To claim this crown through Christ my own
Yours now forever...
I'm free to live
Free to give
Free to be
I'm free to love you
And I realised, this is true for me now-This is who I am...I am changed and I had a choice, do I chose to live with the change or do I ignore it? Casting crowns put it in one of their songs
'Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through between the altar and the door?'
But I realised, that's the point-its JESUS that has done the change-its NOT me, its God, HE is the one who has changed me, HE is the one who has set me free, HE is the one who has touched my life. I have had to make a choice to continue to live in that though...so I currently have boundaries to help me including having someone babysit my computer for a while-hence the lack of blogs (just so you know).
I have been utterly broken. I know now there is NOTHING of good in me, except what Christ has done in and through me. He is the one who has cleanse me, set me free. I am by no means the finished article and I know that will not happen until I get to be with my Lord in glory (oh Lord for that day to come) but I know that I am NOT the same person-I still look the same, talk the same, walk the same but I think completely differently. I feel light...that's the best way to describe it. It is like a light has finally been turned on in the last room of the house...the darkness that haunted me is no longer there because the light of Christ has exposed it and for years being blinded by the light-I've now allowed it to shine.
So am I still broken? Yes but, "My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise." Psalm 51:7
and Jesus talking about himself as the cornerstone :"Anyone who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; anyone on whom it falls will be crushed.” Luke 20:18
Yes I am still very much broken...but I am allowing God to put me back together bit by bit built on a foundation of Him and only Him.
He is so beautiful and is worth EVERYTHING.
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